Sunday, July 6, 2008

Where I'm At

As much as I'd love to use the "I was really busy this week" excuse for not blogging much lately, I really can't say I was so. We're now officially 3 weeks away till I have to leave for Ft. Jackson and I am feeling extremely emotional. It's harder to post anything without breaking down.

During June it was easy to discuss our situation because it still seemed kinda far away. Now that it's closer.....it's getting too close. I miss my boys already. If I could afford it, I'd quit my job right now and spend every moment with them.

The worst part of it all is the not knowing. I might go there for 1 week and then be sent right back home. On the other hand I could go there and then be shipped out to training and then overseas for a year and not come home at all. Either way if I knew I could prepare for it and try my best to prepare the family for it. But as it is, we just have to hurry up and wait.

In the mean time I have arranged my transportation to Columbia, SC; started gathering all the paperwork I will need; started purging our home of the extra stuff we've had that we don't need anymore, and getting our spare room comfortable for Mom and Dad's extended stay. Some of the boxes I've sorted through lately include more of my old Army stuff...uniforms, gear, shoes, etc. I kept some of it for spare, just in case, but most of it is going to Good Will.

I've even been dreaming of the Army lately. They're not really bad dreams, but vivid enough that I remembered them (which I usually don't). I don't really know what that means except that I think about it a lot.

I can't really remember any other time in my life where I've ever felt so completely helpless toward my own lot in life. I know I know, I was the one who signed the paper....signed my life away to the Army. But I always felt like our decision was honored and God blessed us and our family because of it. Not once in 5 years after basic training in the Army as an Arabic linguist did I have to be away from my family for more than 1 night. We were blessed to be stationed here in Augusta with one of the only strategic units on post. I was blessed with a job that I loved and an opportunity to support my family so that Dave could go to school.

So, now that I've been out for a while and called back, I can't help but feel like I did something wrong? Why has nothing we've hoped and aimed for in the last year and a half worked out? Why am I now being torn away from my family? Will this be a blessing in disguise?

I do know one thing. I know that my children are HIS children, and though it might be in HIS will for me to be away from them, it is not HIS will that they be left without support. HE has seen fit to bless them with such wonderful grandparents, and such a wonderful Dad to help them deal with this stressful situation. In this I take great comfort. I know they will be taken care of. But it doesn't make my heart long for them any less.

4 comments:

Emily said...

oh, carolyn, what a place to be right now. what a blessing to have such awesome family support--that makes all the difference in the world. and what a blessing to know and trust that although we can't understand this now, we know God has perfect timing and perfect plans and perfect peace. I'll be praying for you!

ps i was coming here to reply to your hmm comment, since "hmm" was exactly my thoughts when watching the strange videos! lol I've heard the songs for a while, but the videos are strange. but what's new, for the artsy-fartsy folk, right?! :) hey, they like yo gabba gabba, so something's not quite right! lol :) can you s stand that show?? that and dora/diego. bleh

ok, sorry for the terrible tangent!

(((hugs)))

Emily said...

oh and I wanted to say that you write it all out so elloquently--I was appreciating how you can do this, when all I can ever do when journalling is ramble ramble ramble. :) Like I've just gotta blurt it all out and be done with it! :)

Amie said...

thinking of you too, and your sweet boys! ((hugs)) Amie

Kim said...

Love you and praying for you, Carolyn! Really not sure what else I can say. :(